I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
