I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
