spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
