its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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