I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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