so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
