My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
