You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
