i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize