I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
