Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
