i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How does one acquire holy water?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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