Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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