You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my shit smells like andre
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
