i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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