don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
