Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
