My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he thought i was a dude.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
