apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
