drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
