Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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