but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
