I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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