im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
