I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
