If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize