Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
