i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
