I heard we made out
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
