when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
