got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
