Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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