Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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