if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
