Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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