I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
