If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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