He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
