I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
