I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
