Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
