I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
