We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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