i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
