I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
