I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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