final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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