WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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