i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Green mimosas i think yes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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