There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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