i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize