my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i dont even know how to be here
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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