She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
