you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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