Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
