his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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