I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
