I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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