She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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